I once went out with a female friend for a drink. While there, sitting in front of a pool, talking, reducing the liquid content of a bottle of red wine, and nibbling at some tasty barbecue fish, her phone rang. I did not pay particular attention to her conversation as I busied myself listening to the old school music playing in the background, singing along in my mind the lines I remember, and enjoying the attendant flashes of pleasant memories that came with such songs. However, I noticed that she was really animated by the conversation. I think the music stopped temporarily and started again, or skipped a beat due to a bad CD or so, because, at this point I heard her say “if he truly loves her, he will do it”. For some reason, this statement ignited the fire of curiosity in me and I decided to probe.
It turned out that her friend had called, to talk about another friend, who had been dating a guy for years. They were very much in love, and among friends, epitomized what true love should be. They then decided to take it to the next level, and that was where the problem started. Among the list of things the guy was to do, he was to pay the sum of one (or was it two?) million naira as his contribution towards the building of a house for the girl’s father. I then asked my friend what she thought about the situation. Her response was the same as I had heard earlier – if he truly loves her, he will do it. Somehow, I did not understand that line of thinking, and still don’t.
I then asked her whether the guy had a house of his own. She said she did not know. I asked whether he has built one for his father. She also said she did not know. I then asked what the guy did, and she responded that he worked in a bank. I then asked her if her brother was the guy in question, and he does not have a house of his own, whether she will encourage him to build one for his fiancée’s father. She fell silent.
Now, I asked her what her idea of a budget wedding would cost. She said about two million naira. I laughed, and went on to tell her that the guy’s salary was in the same range as hers (my friend’s), since she worked with one of our telecom giants. Let’s assume for the sake of argument that he is paid N200k a month. He will feed, pay rent, transport to work, etc. Let’s assume he is very prudent and accomplishes all of these with N100k, it will still take him about two years to save two million. Adding another million for the house, adds another year to his burden. After the wedding, what will they survive on if he uses all of three years savings to marry his wife, who at that point had not found a job? I then told her that I can even beat my chest that part of the original two million (working with her budget) would have been borrowed. Assuming one million was borrowed and you add the bill for the house, the young man would have been forced into two years of indebtedness. I then asked, “If this becomes the situation, is she a blessing or a curse in his life?”
We have all heard of cases where grooms are extorted in different guises because they decided to go ahead marry the woman they love. Is this supposed to be so? In my mind, any father that does this is shameless and will end up reducing himself and his family before his prospective in-laws. In the case cited here, the young man could not afford it. I know of guys who can afford it ten times over but will never do it. Once, a very wealthy guy from my place went to marry a woman from a neighboring riverine community where it was the custom to buy trunk boxes of assorted wrappers for the wife, and after the wedding, leave it in the lady’s family house. He bought the best of everything for his wife. However, after the wedding, he insisted everything is going back with them. He bought it for his wife and she will be in his house, therefore, her clothes should be where she was going to be most of the time. He went as far as threatening to call off the wedding even after they had finished all the rites. They finally let the couple go with the things. For this guy, it was not about the money spent on the wrappers as that was very small compared to all the other things he did. It was more about what made sense to him. Some traditions just need to be reviewed. It goes beyond trying to show how much you love and want to be with your woman. Moreover, who says this is where the extortion will end? I bet it will be for life as long as you remain married to their daughter.
I now wonder, since when did becoming a slave for your in-laws become a sign of true love? Are we going back to the days of Moses, that he had to work for his father in-law for seven years to still marry a fake, and then work another seven years for the woman he wants? Should fathers get lazy all their lives, being men only in the bedroom, and hoping to have beautiful daughters that will attract men that will change their fortunes? Should daughters compound it by justifying it as a show of love if the man pulls it off? Since the trend is on the rise, I am forced to ask the ladies that think like my friend, is your wedding now supposed to be your family’s business venture, with huge profit forecasts? The ladies need to actively engage their parents when issues like these arise in their relationships, otherwise, they will help fast track the bible prophecy in Isaiah 4:1.
November 29, 2013
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